my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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