I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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