I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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