if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize