im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
