Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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