we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
