I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
It's just like the Real World with babies
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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