maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
