she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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