Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
