Me. At least after what I've been through.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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