omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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