In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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