so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
