did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
