Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
