Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
