Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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