I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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