apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
