Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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