he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
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