my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
