i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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