this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
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