i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
