My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
As shirtless as possible
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
