im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
