smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
