Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
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