We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
