I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
