Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
