I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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