So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
