i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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