I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize