your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
