its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
