I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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