I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
