My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
