cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
