when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
did i walk over a car last night?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
