girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
