so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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