after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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