my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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