Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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