I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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