My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
