so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
