that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
