Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
