I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
