Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
