Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
