ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Swine flu is the new snow day.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Randomize
