Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Shame is for Republicans.
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