i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
